OUT -the second half-
Tuesday, November 17th, 2009.
ああ、今日は感情がもうあっちこっちに行きまくりで収拾がつきません。
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今度は泣いてますよ、私。
このインタビュー・・・。
ああ、まいった。
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本当に、まいった。
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アダムがね、いろいろな事を話しています。
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この人は、本当に頭のいい人で、ただ突っ走っているように見えるけれど、しっかり考えてやっているのです。
まあ、見る人が見たらすぐに分かる事だけど、本当に頭がいい。
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でも、心がものすごく純粋で、傷つきやすくて、抱きしめたくなるほど・・・です。
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You’ve talked in other interviews about how much falling in love for the first time changes you.
It really does change you, though, you know? But this is only the second relationship I’ve had in my entire life, and I’m 27 years old.
What did you learn about yourself from the end of that first love?
What you realize is that when you fall in love, especially for the first time — the first major relationship that you have where you’re with somebody for a long time — is how much of an impact somebody can have over you. And how much they can shift who you are, both in your own discovery of yourself and how they rub off on you a little bit. That was weird for me. I always thought of myself as extremely independent, and I do have a lot of independence about me. But when it comes to love, I have to fight codependence a little bit. I get a little clingy, I think, and it’s very out of character for me. So it becomes very confusing, because I’m like, wait, I’m usually fine. But all of a sudden, I’m like [waves hands] “Ahhhhh.”
Like it’s easier to walk in and talk business.
Oh yeah. That’s something I actually said to him yesterday. I said, “You know, it’s funny. I’ve figured out a lot about life, and I have a lot of life experience, but I don’t know shit about love.”
What was the wall you hit with him?
Sometimes it’s hard to, like, be a boyfriend for somebody, because you don’t know what that means. What does that mean? Especially if you haven’t been in many relationships. And being in the gay community, we don’t grow up with any role models for that. We don’t know what we’re supposed to be. And I think that’s funny because there’s so much — again, it’s something that’s being evolved out of, but in the gay community there’s so much promiscuity. It’s socially accepted in the gay community to be promiscuous. It’s like, oh, we’re both men, we’re supposed to want to fuck all the time and cheat on each other. And it’s OK, open relationships are fine because we’re all men. And I’m not judging that, but I don’t think that’s for me. I don’t think it’s emotionally healthy.
Then you have to balance that with being away so much, being on tour.
So who knows, you know? The other thing that’s really hard is that you have to decide whether or not you have the focus and the energy to give to the other person. That’s a difficult thing, too. And who knows what the future could hold with that. I might have to say, “You know, this is how much I love you, that I have to let you go. I can’t give you what you deserve right now, so this isn’t going to work.” Hopefully it works. I want it to. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Out of the love I have for him, I don’t want to neglect it. [Sighs.] God, I can’t believe I’m saying all this. I think we put all these expectations on relationships and create this idea of, oh, this is how it’s supposed to be, because this is what all these other relationships that I see, that’s how they are. I think it’s really hard but really necessary to be like, but what are my needs? And what are your needs? And that’s our relationship. And that’s the hardest thing, because no one tells you how to do that.
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最初の恋に付いても話しています。
自分はしっかりと自立した人間だと思っていたのに、恋に落ちたら相手に依存する自分がいて驚いたそうです。
どうして良いのか分からない事が多いって。
２７年間生きてきて、最初の恋、そしてつい先日終わった２番目の恋。
たった２回しか恋をした事が無いと言うアダム。
もちろんこのインタビューの時点では、まだデロタンと付き合っていた二人だけど、アダムはいろいろと考えていたようです。
相手の事が好きだからこそ、相手を放っておいたり傷つけるような事は避けたい・・・。
好きだからこそ別れるしかないという決断もあるって（涙）。
人生については色々経験してきたし、いろいろと分かっているけれど、恋愛に付いては分からない事だらけだし、お手本に出来る物も無いし、誰も教えてくれないって。
ゲイのコミュニティーでは、遊び歩く事が普通だし、恋人がいながら他の人と関係を持つ事も日常的な事だけれど、アダムとしてはそれは嫌だって。
そう言う関係があるのもよくわかるし、それを軽蔑する事はしないけれど、自分は違うって。
そう言う関係は、精神的に辛いって。
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読んでいて涙が出てきますよ。
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は〜〜〜。
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アダム・・・。
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彼が幸せになれますように。全身全霊でそう願います。
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最後に、今の仕事は大変だけど、大変だと見せないようにするのが僕の仕事だって話しています。
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What else do you want to talk about?
I don’t know. [Long pause.] My job is to make this look easy and fun. That’s the illusion, the vibe I’m trying to create for people to feel. That’s what I want to do as an entertainer, create a mood that rubs off on people. This is scary, and it is a lot of work. And I’m OK, I’ll be fine. But, wow, this is a lot. And I hope that people are compassionate about that. I took a chance, stepped my life up a little, have some opportunities, have a little money, and I’m doing the best I can. I’m doing the best I fucking can, you know?
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ファンに喜んでもらうため、楽しんでもらうためには、苦労しているところ、辛いところは見せるべきじゃないと思っているようです。
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アダムらしいです。
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プロですからね。
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ううっ、本文はもっともっと長いです。
おそらく・・・今回のパート１、パート２併せて読んでみて、RS誌のインタビューより深い内容だった気がします。
RS誌では、ツッパったところがありましたからね。
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でもこれは・・・アダムが本音で、深いところを語っています。
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傷つきやすい２７歳の青年の気持ちです。
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ああ、アダムが幸せになりますように。幸せになりますように。幸せになりますように・・・。
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元記事へのリンクはこちら。
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